Sunday, August 7, 2011

Behold The Swim Diaper - Evil Incarnate

As Americans enjoy the last big blast of summer and millions of children their quality water time I am here to reflect on the Hydrological Abomination that is - The Swim Diaper.

Call me old fashioned but back in my day there were "kiddies pools" and "adult pools," with an unmentioned social wall in between.

Kiddies did not play in adult pools for fear of incontinent faux pas. And for good reason, kiddies just want to let go anywhere, we know this, we were all once kiddies.

In my day we enjoyed screaming hours of water fun in the kiddie pool often overlooked by an adult of some sort who then went back to the 1970's social scene of the day.

Today at the ripe old age of 42 I am a member of a local gym that sports a very nice Olympic outdoor heated pool. Don't hate me for having a great gym. The pool has no signage but it is assumed that it is an adult pool as no kiddies are ever present.

That is until a few months ago.

Oh, it stared off innocently enough, a few Moms with their terribly cute offspring dipping legs in the shallow end to squeals of delight. Then there were more Moms and kiddies and soon, kiddies and Moms playing with water wings fully immersed in my lovely pristine waters and all sporting The Swim Diaper.

Now I am not a curmudgeon, at least not yet, but how do we know when one of these marvels of swim technology fails? It's too horrible to contemplate, and frankly it's beginning to gnaw on my mind during swim laps each day as I am forced to acknowledge Swim Diapered kiddies in my pool.

To the evil men and women who perpetrated the Swim Diaper on American Moms, a pox on you and your whole extended families. You do not have to swim in pools that have been tea bagged by Swim Diapered hoards across America. No you probably have your own pool at home with a big sign on it that says "No Children," because you know your product is neither fail safe nor sanitary.

What happened to the days of the Wet Banana? (see video).

I had fun with the Wet Banana, I didn't wear a Swim Diaper and if I or any of my little kiddie friends had a organic accident, we were shuttled off, cleaned up and sent back in for hours of screaming fun.

To the Moms who purchase Swim Diapers, you're not bad Moms, you have just bought into the marketing and hype surrounding this product that promises a Dihydrogen Monoxide Moon Shot when in fact delivers all the safety and diaper security of a Pinto with a side of biological horrors leached into my Adult Water Sanctuary.

Let's bring back the Wet Banana and lose the Swim Diaper, it's time for America to come back to safer waters.