Friday, May 28, 2010
7th Coast Guard District
U.S. Coast Guard
Date: May 28, 2010
Contact: Anna M. Tulane
US Coast Guard Admiral Asks James Cameron For Alien Help With BP Spill
KEY WEST, Fla. - Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen asked Hollywood filmmaker James Cameron (Titanic, The Abyss, Avatar) for help with the ongoing British Petroleum spill in the Gulf of Mexico today.
"We're hoping he can ask his alien buddies from that movie The Abyss down there to help us shut down this well," said Admiral Allen in a press conference with Mr.Cameron today.
In 1989 director Cameron featured deep sea aliens who could stop nuclear bombs from exploding and had complete alien powers over water, being able to move ships and equipment with ease at depth.
Capt. Matt DeAngelo, commanding officer of Sector Key West, Florida has been tasked with coordinating with The Abyss Aliens once they arrive, establishing a Unified Abyss Alien Command comprised of members from the Coast Guard, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and the Department of the Interior.
"We need to use every asset at our disposal, and these aliens seem like the best option we have at the moment after a month of failed efforts and millions of gallons of oil and dispersant floating around out there" DeAngelo said. "We will continue to operate the Unified Abyss Alien Command as long as the aliens want to work with us, from what I have seen they are pretty handy with equipment."
Efforts to contact The Abyss Aliens will start at 11.30 Eastern with the blowing of Conch Shells from vessels stationed in the 30,000 square mile disaster zone.
The public is asked to report the sighting of any Abyss Aliens to the U.S. Coast Guard at 1 (800) 444-8802.
The public is reminded that The Abyss Aliens are shy and delicate comprised of "jelly like" material, which while not dangerous to most people can cause an allergic reaction and should only be touched by trained personnel.
The following Underwater Onion brought to you by Shark Diver. Attempting levity in the face of America's Oceanic Chernobyl.