Japan:Greenpeace Out-Sea Shepherd Remains

As you know we have been following the 2008 Southern Sea whale hunt this year with keen interest.


First there was the Sea Shepherd vs Greenpeace war of words. The "who was more green" eco-ocean smackdown.

Then, three weeks ago, we covered the ongoing Sea Shepherd stink bomb throwing hippie hostage standoff with the Nisshin Maru.

We also covered Yokozuna Asashoryu, Tokyo's top Sumo wrestler's open wrestling challenge to Sea Shepherds captain-Paul Watson. Man, what a season!

And now, after two full months of chasing the bad guys and world attention, sadly, Greenpeace is withdrawing their vessel from the hunt due to lack of fuel.

This leaves the anti-whaling eco ball squarely in the "Jesters Court" with Sea Shepherd and their somewhat crazed crew of die hards. If we were betting folks (and we are) this is how we think the 2008 Southern Seas whale hunt is going to end:

1. Japan will start killing whales again
2. Watson's Vessel "Steve Irwin" will ram and sink the Nisshin Maru
3. Huge media frenzy

Japan: Whale Update "It Ain't Over"

As the old saying goes, "It ain't over till the fat lady sings"...the same is true apparently for this seasons Southern Ocean whale hunt.

As reported this week by Shu-Ching Jean Chen the Hong Kong-based staff writer at Forbes.com it looked like all was over with the factory ship Nisshin Maru leaving the operations area. In fact Japan officially announced to the entire world last week that they had stopped whaling.

Turns out that's just a ploy, you know, for the major media folks, bloggers, and others. Sneaky whalers indeed!

So, what's the real deal in the Southern Ocean these days?

If you can push past the non profit war mongering between Sea Shepherd and Greenpeace- here's their blogs from the front lines. When you cannot rely on the major media to give you the scoop go to the source, just be prepared to donate to the cause.

Greenpeace and here's Sea Shepherd's take.

Japan: Whale Hunt Causes Fashion Crisis

Tokyo (CMN)- Fashion editors from "The Tokyo Look Book" have declared a nationwide fashion emergency on the heels of Japans announcement and early recall of the entire southern whale hunting fleet.

"In an effort to increase sales of canned whale meat the government issued 4.2 million See No Evil-Double Happiness whale eating masks this winter" said Editor in Chief-Tomohiko Taniguchi, during a rushed press conference held at the Four Seasons Chinzanso Hotel.

"With the unexpected end to this seasons whale hunt, these whale eating masks will now sit idle in peoples kitchens. Already we are seeing inappropriate use of these masks with small children in playgrounds and in gyms nationwide".

Japans Prime Minister Fukuda issued the following statement, "The government is asking people to stay calm at this time. While our whaling fleet was unable to harvest enough whale meat this season-remain assured that our whaling fleet will continue it's hunt next year and you'll all get to use your whale eating masks".

The following underwater Onion was brought to you by Shark Diver. Whale Meat-the other, other, other red meat.

Japan: Whale Game Played Out

Japan conceded a rare defeat today and pulled it's processing ship Nisshin Maru out of the Southern Ocean whale hunt operations area.

Without a high tech factory ship to process whales from majestic sea born animals into fancy little cans- the ships that hunt them are next to useless.

"The Japanese government said Monday that its state-sponsored whaling fleet had stopped hunting after 10 days of harassment by the environmental activist groups Greenpeace and the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society in the Southern Ocean Whale Sanctuary near Australia."

That's the good news.

The bad news is the Japan does not look like it will be giving up it's "Love of the Whale" anytime soon. So, we'll all be forced to watch the southern spring drama unfold again next year as whalers and the anti-whaling activists clash again over government-sponsored "scientific" whaling expeditions.

The final score for this year is:

Japan-300 whales
Sea Shepherd- 1 whale boat
Greenpeace- 2 whale boats

Japan: Sumo Champion Challenges Paul Watson

Japan (CMN) Yokozuna Asashoryu, Tokyo's top Sumo wrestler, issued a wrestling challenge to Captain Paul Watson of Sea Shepherd today.

Known in Japan as the "Can Crusher" Mr. Asashoryu is currently defending himself on two charges of child endangerment after issuing a similar challenge to Tokyo's Boy Scouts Troop No.14 for the right to sell cookies door to door. He went undefeated in 16 matches against the troop leaving some with broken bones.

Paul Watson is currently chasing elements of Japans whaling fleet in the waters of Antarctica, where two of his crew members are being held as "hostages" on board Japanese vessel Yushin Maru No. 2.

"We will decide the fate of these two crew members and the future of Japans whale hunt in the ring of honor" Yokozuna shouted to a sold out crowd of fans at Tokyo's Staples Arena.

Japans Foreign Minister, Masahiko Kōmura, has agreed with the challenge saying "Mr.Watson should join us here in Tokyo rather than attempt to interrupt our Glorious Imperial...ahem...peaceful whaling fleet in Antarctica".

Sea Shepherd has been unavailable for comment.

This current underwater Onion was brought to you by Shark Diver. The news just keeps getting stranger.

Whale War Update:Australia Sends in Vikings

Who even knew Australia had a navy?

Turns out they do and today they sent the good ship Oceanic Viking to the rescue of two protesters from Sea Shepherd who are being "held hostage" on board a Japanese whale ship.

CNN--Australia has sent a customs ship to retrieve two activists who were seized by a Japanese whaling vessel, the country's foreign minister said. The transfer, if successful, would end a tense two-day standoff in Antarctic waters.The Australian ship, the Oceanic Viking, was within sighting distance of the Japanese whaler Thursday.

So that just leaves us with one question: What Now?

Japans whaling fleet is on target to harvest 1000 whales this year, thus far they have only taken an estimated 300. Regardless of this "hostage drama" side event which has all the earmarks of a classic "don't taze me bro" moment, the question remains, how to stop another 700 whales from being slaughtered this year?

As always we'll keep you updated.

Sperm Whale Hunt Closed-Japans Fleet Turns Back

TOKYO, Japan (CNM) -- Researchers aboard Japanese whaling vessels have "completely halted" their much-criticized hunt for Sperm Whales in the seas near Antarctica, after finding "something unusual" in a freshly harvested whales stomach.

"On Monday we received frantic reports of a human like form inside a whale", said the chief Japanese government spokesman Hachimura Mobutatka.

Sperm Whales are known to feed on Giant Squid in Antarctic waters and remains of these massive cephalopods as long as 120 feet have been recovered.

Meanwhile, the International Whaling Commission, having received the same "stunning reports", have halted all whaling activities in Antarctica by it's members.

The IWC chairman has asked Japan not to hunt Sperm whales in the foreseeable future until lab tests are completed on the "human like form" found inside the dead whale.

"We're happy about the whaling fleet pull out, amazed by the news...and just a little bummed", said David Greenwright spokesman for the Environmental Whaling Coalition. The groups members had planned to put themselves between harpoon and whales, using water jets to block harpoon shots. "Now we're back in New Zealand with nothing to do".

This latest underwater Onion was brought to you by Shark Diver If it's safe to go in the water, we'll tell you!